Friday, December 2, 2011

Total Cheeseball Guilty Pleasures Part 2: The Revenge of Señor Cinema Cheeseball

Revenge is a dish best served with crackers. Here are more cheese-fest favorites (Part 1 can be found here)

Kirsty Swanson in the role she was born to play... A Mannequin! Well, I guess she was a robot once. Seriously though, she's even more wooden in this one. You gotta love that method acting! Also on hand are hairy Bavarians, weightlifter goons in neon spandex, Meshach Taylor returning to all his queening glory as Hollywood Montrose, several dance numbers, fairy tales come to life, the guy from Herman's Head, magical necklaces that aren't made of pearls, illegally parked jeeps, Video Dating and perhaps the lord himself returning to earth to stop this insanity from being shown in theaters and on Home Video... Until that happens, watch this Movie at all costs. It'll change your life!

Mannequin 2: On The Move (1991)




Okay, I'd gladly be the first to admit to loving this silly Movie and even preferring it to the first. Who in their darkest hearts doesn't have a desire to sing along to a class of horny kids about reproduction, or dance along with nuns at a bowling alley? You know you want to go to Biker heaven to find your chest exposed true love or the very least watch her or him gyrate on a ladder in the middle of a song and dance number. A couple of years ago there was a sing-a-long screening of this Film, and there I was, with a surprising amount of other people (nearly 25!), wearing a plastic lei, singing along. Grease 2 is considered a bomb, and it explodes it's way into my heart.

Grease 2 (1982)




Johnny Five is still alive, and this time he's in what I think is supposed to be New York City (or Toronto where they actually filmed). Short Circuit 2 sadly does not have either The Gute nor Ally Sheedy returning. But hey, it does have Fisher Stevens returning with his borderline racist portrayal of an Indian Computer geek! This go round Stevens gets to meet cute with the super cute Cynthia Gibb (who may or may not have been the reason why I watched this Film more than once in the first place growing up) The plot also revolves around how the big bad city is filled with people that only want to use Johnny Five to either rip off car stereos, make toys on an assembly line or rob Bank Vaults. At least he gets to speed read an entire book store and becomes an American Citizen at the end! Honestly, I can't tell you why I like this cheese-fest. Sometimes we all go down pretty reckless paths in life and don't want to stop...

Short Circuit 2 (1988)




Ethereal beauty and French Cinema star Emmanuelle Beart takes Tom Cruise's advice in Risky Business and says What The Fuck and makes her move to 80's American Films. She crash lands in Date With An Angel. The concept of a dude (soap star Michael E. Knight--not to be confused with the guy with the talking car) with a bitchy fiancee (a fuming Pheoebe Cates) who falls in love with an Angel with a broken wing is so cloyingly cute (complete with non-stop glowing Cinematography on Ms. Beart) that this hunk of brie actually somehow wins me over. Naturally directed by the guy who Helmed Friday The 13th: Jason Lives and the spooky One Dark Night.

Date With An Angel (1987)




Two working stiff dudes leave Detroit and head to Aspen to mingle with the super rich and teach them how to ski. One of them falls for that super rich bitch from other cheese favorite Staying Alive, leaving poor, interesting DJ Teri Polo waiting in the wings. Part romance, part soap opera, part sports movie, part buddy flick, part who the hell was this movie made for anyway? Me, I guess.

Aspen Extreme (1993)




Yeah, it's safe to say that nearly all Madonna movies suck. I love Desperately Seeking Susan, but can I honestly say that I love a strangely updated version of the Classic Bringing Up Baby with the Material Girl adopting a bizarre voice and needless betty boop-bop behavior? Griffin Dunne of After Hours returns for more New York adventure and somehow through all the madcap comedy and 80s cheese his and Madonna's zany chemistry actually works.

Who's That Girl? (1987)




She's a telephone pole worker by day. An aerobics instructor by night. Now she's possessed by a dead Ninja. This Movie simply cannot be described. It has to be seen to be believed. Enter The Lucinda Dickey Ninja, if you dare...
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Ninja III: The Domination (1984)




Speaking of which, I couldn't believe my eyes when I first saw this one. The Original Karate Kid had become a cherished film to me. I even enjoyed the sequel, and felt it was a pretty decent companion to the original. But Part 3... How could they go so wrong... but oh so right! People, you must meet our new villain, ascot wearing Terry Silver (Thomas Ian Griffith). This guy is so completely ridiculous and over-the-top that he never fails to make me laugh. I almost wish he conquered poor Daniel Laruso and Mr. Miyagi and had sequels all his own.

The Karate Kid Part III (1989)




The moving and triumphant story of a boy in a plastic bubble, er, crystal room, who falls for... Ack, just watch the video and fall in love with the glorious musical stylings of Tawny Kitaen...

Crystal Heart (1986)




I assure you, there is no one in the world quite like Kim Bentley (Jill Lansing in her only role). Who doesn't want to be around a girl with such an incredibly bad attitude, someone who constantly gets into fights with her parents, gets into fights with school friends, sleeps with her teachers, becomes a prostitute and then a hitman? Malibu High also uses music from The People's Court (!) in chase scenes. Now this is Filmmaking!

Malibu High (1979)




Porky's this ain't. It's so much better... It's the sequel to Screwballs!
And it has a theme song! Here's another classy song and scene from the Film...

Loose Screws (1985)



Come on, everybody... DO THE SCREW!!!



More screwy montage fun!

5 comments:

Rupert Pupkin said...

I love NINJA III so darn much...so amazingly WTF.

Direct to Video Connoisseur said...

These are two really fun lists. A lot of them are the kind of things I remember watching on those HBO free preview weekends, where I felt like I had to watch everything they showed to get the most out if it.

Ed South said...

Who's That Girl...one of my favorites!
Mannequin 2 - what a great film, great cast!
Crystal Heart - I used to watch that all the time back in the day. Yes, just watch it...that's all I did!

Cinema Du Meep said...

RP-- It's one big WTF. I totally agree.

DTV Con --Thanks! Ah, HBO back in the day. The memories...

Ed-- Ha! I bet.

Richard of DM said...

Grease 2 is infinitely better than the original in my book.

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